I hate the term "trying", I feel like we remove God from the situation when focusing on our efforts and not on His will. That may be a tad over thought but there it as anyway. I have been thinking a lot about this recently, a woman asked me why we do not have kids yet and my only response , that did not include turning beet red and throwing water in her face, was to say ' oh well we are trying". Maybe it is just that I have grown resentful of the term. I am tired of trying, I do not want it to be so "forced" so purposeful.Yet again, that is what it is, focused and intense and Magical.
Regardless we have decided to take the term out of the equation. We are still going to try of course but the pressure, the tests, the ovulation kits have to go. I cannot put so much into them when in our world if it is meant to be, it will be. The doctor has said that I seem to be fine, there is no actual medical reason to why we have not conceived yet , however they still want to put me on drugs to force my body to produce more eggs. I am so conflicted, I feel like I have the answers for this week math test and I am nervous the teacher will scold me. If I truly want to do God's will and have my heart be open to that , then why take the drugs? Sure it couldn't hurt, if we are open to His will than no matter what we do It will prevail in the end. Still, it could hurt, there are intense side affects to this medication and being of the natural mind, do I want to put my body through that? Right now, I say no. I do not want to triple my egg count , I do not want to put my hormones through a roller coaster and I do not want to force my will when in my heart I deeply desire His will.
Also dear friends, if I am bring honest, all these thoughts are emotionally fueled by a member of my family announcing their current pregnancy. I got the call from my doctor with the news of her desire for medical intervention just before my family members news. So naturally I had moments of those thoughts over lapping, dancing together to make a sweet poison I could take or discard. I am choosing to chuck it. I am hopeful and trying for patience I have the support and love of my husband, friends, family not to mention the prayers of so many of you. I am blessed even with empty arms.